Come and Go. Come and Stay.

September 27, 2010 · Emma, Personal

It is nearing 5 months since she has been gone. My mind sometimes thinks that she is still at the hospital and that she will be home soon enough. And I have to remind myself that it’s simply not true. A brutal slap in the face.

For 5 months the world has been completely different. It is emptier, a little less hectic and less magical. The old world and all of its illusions are irrecoverable.

Already 5 months and I miss you no less. I probably miss you more, and I didn’t even think that would be possible. I still cry an average of 3 times a day. I have moments of calm and peace. These waves come and go, sometimes drowning me in complete darkness. An abyss of “What If’s” and far too few memories made together. It is hard to come back up for air as I need you to breathe.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think “What if Emma was here, how would we do this different?” I would be happier. I know that would be different. I wonder what you would look like now – how much bigger you’d be than your sister. Would you love sweet potatoes and pears too? Would you still not enjoy your bath time? Would you and Claire hold hands?

Although I know she is in a better place – a place where she can be – the thought that she couldn’t be with me is still to hard too grasp.

Missing you always my sunshine. Loving you forever.

To everyone that has given me and my family unbelievable amount of love, support and prayers…thank you. You are the fireflies in my black sky. I love and appreciate every one of you. xx